Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Parents of teens UNITE! We Need Our Own Mastermind Group!


I am a parent of two children, a son who is soon to be 15 and a daughter who is 10 years old.  It is a busy time.  Gone are the days when I can fix things with a simple hug and a kiss on the 'owie'.  The challenges these two young people face are all consuming.  These are the problems of becoming 'adults'.


They face social challenges of fitting in or not fitting in, they are pulled and distracted by various forms of media, they deal with the daily barrage of negative influence and sincerely trying to make the best choices they can.  And in the wake of all this serious business you have fretting parents just wanting things to be okay for their child and feeling a lack of control around the whole big mess.

This seems to be a time of transition for the family unit on the whole.  Children pushing up against the boundaries we have in place to be able to feel independent.  This constant tension is so hard for parents.  We can look back at our own break-away from the nest and think, 'yeah, I remember that', but it doesn't make it any easier being on the receiving end.  As our teens push against the boundaries they also peel away from us for a time.  It's such an uncomfortable change.

This change causes conflict at times as well.  I know in my house it has been the source of hard feelings and regret at times.  There just isn't a manual for this stuff, especially in the heat of the moment.  We get it wrong a lot and it seems like we learn along the way.  We fail.  We evaluate.  We try again.  This cycle is truly the same one we use in all areas of our life.

So what can we do?  It seems like once your children reach a certain age the lights go out in the community.  I try signing my son up for programs only to have them cancelled due to lack of interest.  Or even just trying to find him something new is a challenge...  it seems like once your child reaches pre-teen and on, you are just going this stuff alone.

How do we as parents get support?  How do we talk to our children in a constructive way and still keep healthy boundaries in place?  Who do parents of teens turn to, when the lights go out in the community?

I think we need to turn to each other.  Reach out to one another and say, 'Hey!...  this really sucks for me and I'm stuck, any ideas?'.  When we have this shared understanding we start asking each other questions...  What do you do when...  How did you handle ABC? 

Perhaps what's needed is a Parental Mastermind Group?  A time where we all get together in a non-judgemental space where we can be proactive and supportive of one another during this challenging time.  We can brainstorm and experiment...  As a coach I can provide questions to invoke the process of finding a way through the mud.  What say you?  Is this needed?
Attitude

The Building of Reserves


Reserve: to make arrangements so that you will be able to use or have (something, such as a room, table, or seat) at a later time - to keep (something) for a special or future use - to choose to do (something) at a later time.  "Reserve." Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster, n.d. Web. 10 Feb. 2016.
Reserve is an important word.  As you can see above, it's defined as something in which you make arrangements to have for later.  Something you want or require being tagged for later use, so when you need it, it's there.  The idea behind reserving something is to give you a security around the idea that I don't need to think or worry about the reserved item as I have already made plans to have it there waiting for me when it's needed.

Reserves can also be looked at from the perspective of having so much of something that there are no needs around that thing.  Lets take a simple example of toilet paper.  This is one item we use daily, and something we need to buy all the time.  Think about when you run out...  as we tend to do from time to time.  Think about how much head space and energy is required to remember to correct that, and if you forget to remedy it how much more energy you expel at the lack of it.  This is just a simple thing but we have all felt the impact of not having it.

Picture source: http://priceonomics.com/the-great-toilet-paper-scare-of-1973/

Now take this same scenario and instead of buying what you need for a few weeks, what would it feel like to have a years worth of toilet paper?  Compare the running out, to the idea of I don't have to think about this for a whole year.  What does having that reserve create for you?  I know for myself I was feeling like it was one thing off my list.  I can let it go and focus on more important things.  I have so much that my need of it becomes a non-issue; I have a years worth.  I may put it in my calendar to check closer to the years end, but I don't need to give it any consideration or energy for at least a year.  It's a freeing exercise.

Lets now consider what a reserve would look like in terms of love, friendship, opportunity, knowledge and finances.  These are pretty big areas.  Each of these have a high importance in our lives and many times we run these areas without reserves.  We feel drained by them because we don't have enough in reserve, they are a constant thought or work in progress.  What would it feel like to have a reserve of money?  What would it feel like to have enough that you didn't need to worry about it anymore?  For many this is an area of strain and strong feelings.

What small changes could you put in place today to build up a reserve in this one area?  Perhaps you could look at your finances and really know where your money is going?  Become completely aware of how much you spend on certain areas of your life.  Just get curious about why there isn't a reserve here currently.  Is it that you spend a lot on coffee, tea, going out (guilty, guilty, guilty) and if so can you put in one small rule to start going every other day and the money you would have spent on those items will now go in a jar or an account and become your reserve?  Is it that you have hit the ceiling of what you can earn and can't squeeze anymore from it?  Could you maybe look at some cost-effective online courses (i.e. Udemy, Coursera) to better your skills to give you more reserve in areas of knowledge and opportunity so that you have more choice about your employment and salary?

The idea is you create an awareness around important areas in your life and find small measurable ways to create more surplus (reserves) in those areas.  It starts with awareness, pausing to understand where you are and getting curious about how you'd like to proceed.  You'll know instinctively where you are running a deficit.  Just listen to your thoughts and feel your body when you think of the areas I listed above.  Change won't come in one big swoop; it comes in the form of small steps, moving forward.  Create reserves and, in turn, ease the drain of energy you feel in your daily lives.
awareness
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