Breaking Barriers Coaching: Attitude

Showing posts with label Attitude. Show all posts

I have been an on again, off again homeschooling parent for the last 7 years. We started homeschooling when my now 15 year old started Grade 3. He was academically doing okay with most of his marks landing in the 'B' range, if that truly matters in Grade 2, but he was struggling physically and emotionally with the school setting.

During his Grade 2 year we received a handful of diagnosis, ADHD being one of them and truly the most relevant to his life today. At that time I had been volunteering in the classroom, reading with the children and it was apparent that my busy child was like a caged animal in this environment. Up and out of his seat constantly, easily distracted by any movement or sound, pale and exhausted by the demands on his energy... he just looked ready to jump out of his own skin.

After many talks with him about what he was feeling - anxiety, overwhelm, pain (from the noise of a crazy room), and physical discomfort from having to be still so much - we decided to explore homeschooling. It really was a foreign concept to me as all I could think about was, am I making a difficult situation worse?

To answer a few questions you may have about this:

Yes, we did ensure a healthy diet of whole foods and limited sugar and no dyes

Yes, he is on supplements like fish oils, B complex, magnesium and probiotics (not a suggestion for others as I'm not a medical professional, this is just what we do)

Yes, we have had numerous sleep studies and as is typical for children with an ADHD diagnosis he has irregular sleep patterns. We manage his sleep with a solid bed time and when he was young a bedtime routine. As directed by our Developmental Pediatrician he uses melatonin at night to help sleep onset. We use a minimum dosage as more is NOT better with this. We are aware that there is some conflicting information on the use of this with children and yes we have weighed this information against that of other prescribed medications for sleep and have decided this poses the least risk. Sleep is too vital to just leave it and without sleep his symptoms are exacerbated.

Yes, we have had a recent assessment done to reconfirm the presence of ADHD in my son's life.

So with that out of the way we have done what we can to ensure that indeed he has this diagnosis and anything that can be done to better the situation for him has been done. In coaching we would call this the 'Basic Needs' and we have ensured they've been met.

https://cocreatingcare.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/maslowhierarchyofneeds.jpg

So what was left was figuring out who our child was... unfortunately we don't always know this. We seem to become a little disconnected from the WHO of our children once they enter school life. What was important for me with the basics being covered, was to make sure our son reached his fullest potential with his self-esteem in place.

Homeschooling in that first year was figuring out his needs as a learner, what his strengths were and areas of difficulty to hammer out. ADHD is a challenge of disinterest and so this first year was hands on, interactive and had very little sitting. I needed to recreate what learning was for him and be willing to let go of my expectations and receive my child right where he was.

Some interesting discoveries came to the fore front quickly. He was floating through school undetected with memory issues and was managing to compensate but it gave us an unrealistic understanding of him. He was doing well in spelling, so said the school, but when I got him home I realized he had a problem understanding how to spell. He was so clever though that he would remember the spelling list for the brief period he needed it and then it would flush out after never making it's way to long term memory. I sensed he struggled with Dysgraphia, so we had tutoring with an Orton-Gillingham tutor for a year. Without bringing him home we would have missed this from an early age and being able to help him like we did would have been lost.

Writing hurt his hand. We had to explore other ways to manage information, while building this skill. So we did A LOT of talking together about content. He is a very intelligent child, he just needs to express it using an area of strength. Without this ability to discuss content we would have lost a valuable method for receiving and learning information and build his self-esteem. We still did writing but not to the extent that he was feeling any prolonged discomfort. We did lots of fine motor activities to build this up so he could manage more with his hands as time when on.

He needed to work in sprints. 20 minutes of work and 15 minutes of activity to reignite his brain, especially for work like math which was and continues to be a challenge for him.

My child's memory is a huge challenge for him when learning uninteresting things, like math facts. Getting things into long-term memory requires deep work with the subject and tackled from multiple modes for it to be sticky. My child's memory is amazing, when he is truly interested by the subject. He is not being difficult, he has ADHD and this is to be expected.

The list goes on and on but none of this would have been understood if not for taking the risk to home educate. I know many families choose this to alleviate the stress, anxiety and struggle for their children and it is doable. What it requires is a release of our expectations of our children and receiving them where they are. Understanding how they learn best by watching for failure (and learning from it) and success (and building on it). Being flexible and trusting that your child will help you find the way. Asking questions like, "What about this is easy for you?" or "What about this is hard for you?", will help you to understand your child more and create the team environment your child needs to flourish.

School as we experienced it is not necessarily a 'bad' thing. What it is though, is one dynamic on learning that for children with ADHD may not work. These children are uniquely wired and need a 'unique to them', solution. The purpose in this all is to say, you can teach your ADHD child. You will have days of fear, frustration, or self-doubt and that is normal. Your child will make you a little insane at times but you will learn how to better manage that with practice and knowing when to throw in the towel and try again another day. It will take effort and a willingness to learn daily and to try and try again.

Without this experience I don't think my son, now finishing grade 9 in highschool, would have been so close to us and willing to communicate in an open and honest way about his struggles today. He has the willingness to keep on trying and know it will be okay as that was his model growing up as a homeschooled child. He still struggles and his Executive Function challenges are more pronounced as the demands are that much more in the higher grades. What we have though is communication and the ability to know that we can figure it out. He also has a firm belief he can do anything because we have told him that from the get go and caught it at home and made him aware of it when we saw him accomplish a difficult for him task.

So if you're considering this journey, just know, it's doable and for us it was invaluable.

We hear a lot of messages in the media about the importance of play for children. As an Early Childhood Educator, in a previous life, I give that a big, HELL YEAH! Play is the work of children. Here is a snip of information you will read in terms of why play is important for children:

Play allows children to use their creativity while developing their imagination, dexterity, and physical, cognitive, and emotional strength. Play is important to healthy brain development.^4–6 It is through play that children at a very early age engage and interact in the world around them. Play allows children to create and explore a world they can master, conquering their fears while practicing adult roles, sometimes in conjunction with other children or adult caregivers.^7–14 As they master their world, play helps children develop new competencies that lead to enhanced confidence and the resiliency they will need to face future challenges.^7,10,15 Undirected play allows children to learn how to work in groups, to share, to negotiate, to resolve conflicts, and to learn self-advocacy skills.^{7,10,11,16 - http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/119/1/182}

Pretty powerful stuff isn't it?

My question to you is, can you think back to when play stopped being a valued part of your life? Even as I type this, I am trying to think back to when play was left off my dance card; it was left off and has been off for a very long time.

We get into highschool. Then go to some post-secondary institution or jump into work directly after. Perhaps find our significant other or travel the globe in search of ourselves and the world. Whatever it is, we start to 'become' adults and learn in a more experiential way. We make a mistake and derive information from that, we blunder at work and adjust our behaviour or conversely we do well and are praised and continue on that path.

Learning becomes about books, life, work and family. We may have been lucky to hold on to or develop some hobbies along the way but those are seen as a little selfish and not something that has a permanent place for most people. I realize - I generalize here but you get the point - we stop playing because we fail to see the benefit of play in our adult world.

What stops adults from playing? Judgment, embarrassment, risk, it requires trust... and perhaps it just doesn't seem valuable.

Here are some points about why play is so important for EVERYONE:

Play is not anarchy. Watch children playing at the park, it is organized and the members (for the most part) follow the flow. It forms relationships!
Play has rules. Without rules the play makes no sense, with rules everyone can part-take and be creative.
Play is divergent. Meaning, it goes in many directions and is creative. It is ever changing but the group will continue to build on it because it is fun and has an energy of its own.
Play is all about exploration. If you were to ask a child if they were happy with the end result of their play session I'm sure you would get some very odd looks. They are entrenched in the process, the exploration of the play. While play is organized... "I will be the doctor, you have the broken leg and I'll fix it...", it is not edited or focused on the end result. It is organic and unplanned.
Play allows you to try on roles. When children role play a possible scenario they are 'trying it on' to see what it could be without risk of having to assume the role in real life. It also helps them problem solve a scenario in their life and find a solution in a creative way.
Play teaches emotion. It helps us to get into various emotional states. "Okay you're the Mom and you're happy I'm back from school...". Empathy is learned through play. How many business owners wouldn't love to get in the mindset of their customer?
Play helps form relationships. Without play we have a missing link for connection. When we take the risk of being vulnerable with another human being through creativity we feel a stronger bond and where there is trust and friendship, play becomes seamless.
Play allows for mastery. When we allow ourselves the chance to play with an idea or a skill-set we in turn start on the path of mastery or excellence.

As a YOUR Coach, we play. Yes coaching is playing in a sense. It is the time for YOU to focus only on YOU and explore possibilities. To play with ideas in a safe and supportive environment, where judgment does not exist and what 'could be' is king. This is your sandbox and the only limitations are the ones you apply to yourself. It is my job to help you get out of the 'adult' role we fall into and look again at the wonder of what could be and make plans to get there.

When we are allowed to play, we are allowed to be creative, to explore and not be so focused on the end result but in the learning that takes place in the space between. Play is not only the work of children it is the vital, lost, underappreciated work of adults too.

I am a parent of two children, a son who is soon to be 15 and a daughter who is 10 years old. It is a busy time. Gone are the days when I can fix things with a simple hug and a kiss on the 'owie'. The challenges these two young people face are all consuming. These are the problems of becoming 'adults'.

They face social challenges of fitting in or not fitting in, they are pulled and distracted by various forms of media, they deal with the daily barrage of negative influence and sincerely trying to make the best choices they can. And in the wake of all this serious business you have fretting parents just wanting things to be okay for their child and feeling a lack of control around the whole big mess.

This seems to be a time of transition for the family unit on the whole. Children pushing up against the boundaries we have in place to be able to feel independent. This constant tension is so hard for parents. We can look back at our own break-away from the nest and think, 'yeah, I remember that', but it doesn't make it any easier being on the receiving end. As our teens push against the boundaries they also peel away from us for a time. It's such an uncomfortable change.

This change causes conflict at times as well. I know in my house it has been the source of hard feelings and regret at times. There just isn't a manual for this stuff, especially in the heat of the moment. We get it wrong ~~a lot~~ and it seems like we learn along the way. We fail. We evaluate. We try again. This cycle is truly the same one we use in all areas of our life.

So what can we do? It seems like once your children reach a certain age the lights go out in the community. I try signing my son up for programs only to have them cancelled due to lack of interest. Or even just trying to find him something new is a challenge... it seems like once your child reaches pre-teen and on, you are just going this stuff alone.

How do we as parents get support? How do we talk to our children in a constructive way and still keep healthy boundaries in place? Who do parents of teens turn to, when the lights go out in the community?

I think we need to turn to each other. Reach out to one another and say, 'Hey!... this really sucks for me and I'm stuck, any ideas?'. When we have this shared understanding we start asking each other questions... What do you do when... How did you handle ABC?

Perhaps what's needed is a Parental Mastermind Group? A time where we all get together in a non-judgemental space where we can be proactive and supportive of one another during this challenging time. We can brainstorm and experiment... As a coach I can provide questions to invoke the process of finding a way through the mud. What say you? Is this needed?

With change underway in a big way over here I have come up against one ~~many~~ or two mental road blocks along the way. Many times I was really thankful for the blockers because they allowed me to stay stuck.

When we stay stuck we don't have to progress forward. We get to hang on to our old beliefs and stay 'comfortable'. Change can be a really irritating, uncomfortable, world altering time.

Pema Chodron, is an American, Tibetan Buddhist and an ordained nun. For those of you who are not familiar with her she is one of the most down to earth, has 'been there and done that' women on the planet. Yes she is a Buddhist nun but she has also been married twice, has children and grandchildren and so in her own way understands what the populous goes through on a daily basis.

She recorded this 4 minute video (found below) about change and by how we speak, act and think we create our own possibilities (good, bad or ugly). How to make friends with the discomfort of change, so change can happen. Video quality isn't great due to a power outage they had at the time but the message is sound.

Many times, coaching brings about that discomfort she talks about here. It is in that space though that we take the boundaries we have surrounded ourselves in and help them to expand.

Think of a baby learning to walk. They get up and hang on, with wobbly legs, and take a step, and then two, three and so it goes. Along the way they fall and it hurts, in their uncomfortable state though, they receive love and care and encouragement to continue. Before you know it that toddler is off and running, and everyone else just needs to KEEP UP.

It seems though, the longer we exist on this planet, the more stuck we can become. We get really uncomfortable with that forward movement and our ability lean INTO it. What I would ask you is:

How would your life be different if you were okay with being uncomfortable?

Coaching helps you to explore the barriers to change you have in place. It empowers you, comforts you and motivates you to seek out the change you have been avoiding for so long. So that you too will be that running toddler everyone is trying to keep up with!

-What would your life look like if you could get to work on time?
-What would it look like if you could makes steps towards getting a business going?
-What would it look like if you could honour yourself and your need for growth, as a stay at home parent?
-What would it look like as a person with ADHD if you could work WITH your unique brain wiring, rather than fight it?

All this to explore and more. Like the quote below suggests our brain really wants to keep us safe from things which make us fearful/uncomfortable. Pause and realize that not all discomfort is something to be avoided. When we dig deep and find the courage to say, "I want more...", we arrive closer to our own truths.

In my previous post I was talking about the idea of transformation. The evolution of self.

What does an ADHD & Nutrition Coach care about a persons internal messaging system? What does any of this have to do with the other? Lets explore that a minute...

I want you today, to take notice of your thoughts. When you are trying something new or perhaps don't do something as well as you hoped, I want you to listen to the inner dialog you have with yourself around that.

What are you feeding yourself? Are the messages negative? Do they call you stupid or do they say things like, "There you go again, delving into something you had no business trying...". Maybe you feel a great deal of fear in trying something new? Perhaps the inner story is one of doubt and feeling incapable to even try.

Many times we allow these inner stories to play and re-play without any acknowledgement of them being there in the first place. They are so comfortable. These stories come from our past, fed to us by the environment around us. If we have a big event in our lives it leaves its imprint on us in a very lasting way.

Part of my work with clients is to figure out what they've forgotten about themselves. Too many times the ghosts of the past get in the way of all the good we've done on this planet. It gets in the way of all the shiny nuggets you are entitled to remember about ourselves.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ~ Maya Angelou

The reason we sit and explore your amazing history is to show you what you already have in you, that which you may have forgotten. It is your proof. I help keep the waters clear so you can see yourself perfectly.

What would happen to one of my clients, wanting to make change in terms of diet or life functions, armed with the understanding of WHO they truly are?

In a word, EMPOWERMENT.

To all the working, exhausted, trying to do 100% of all things people out there, please take this minute and read.

There will likely never be another time when you are so busy as you are right now. You are potentially juggling a job or a business you own, children, home demands, money challenges and the stress of making it all happen.

The reality is something has to give and I know many people unknowingly make their nutrition and exercise the sacrificial lamb. By that I mean, these are the areas in our lives we let go by the wayside because other things are deemed more important. I'm not going to sit here and suggest that our life's work, whether that is raising our children, starting a business or advancing our career is unimportant and shouldn't have a priority.

The question becomes though:

Can you contribute to your life in all it's forms when you are sick and exhausted?

What stories are you telling yourself that hold you back?

I'm too tired
There isn't enough time in the day
I have way too much to do
My kids come first
I work too much overtime

This list is not exhaustive but it hits on some key areas of challenge, that are not made up, but are very real in all our lives. How do we include ourselves in this list of challenge to ensure our health and wellness?

When looking at ways to change the story you may have to alter your expectations of yourself. Perhaps rather than thinking working out needs to be at a gym lifting iron, just get out for a 20 minute walk each day. Or maybe join a Zumba class and enjoy the laughter and music for an hour a week. You don't need to train like an Olympic athlete. Find something - anything - you can do at home like exercise band workouts or fun movement based video games to connect and enjoy with your family.

Give yourself the GIFT of movement to ensure you can manage the obligations of your daily life. Movement is a stress reliever and can be as good as many antidepressants available on the market today!

Another dropped area is Nutrition. Put your meal and snack times in your CALENDAR! If you are like me and get so hyper-focused that you forget to eat, PLAN FOR IT! Pack snacks daily so you have a constant supply of foods picked for you, by you. I will tell you right now you can't operate a business or create a life of abundance without making your health and wellness a priority.

Lousy Nutrition = Lousy Performance

We've read it a million times, 'Stop the Glorification of Busy'. In our ever connected state of being we see this busy all the time, we feel this busy all the time.

Busy for me feels like a million lists in my head and the stress of trying to figure out how to accomplish it all. How to juggle children, family, home in the mix of growing a business. At the end of the day I feel zapped and draggy and just, STRESSED.

Feeling stressed can have many different effects on the body: weight gain due to sugary cravings brought on by stress chemicals circulating around in our delicate and sensitive systems, mood changes (such as irritability, anger and hopelessness), fatigue due to the level of clenching and tightness the body does during stressful times and mental sluggishness, to name just a few.

There are many things that we can do to correct this state of being. The one I like the most and have used the most is exercise. There is nothing on the planet that I find to be more of a stress buster and mood enhancer that this. What is it about exercise that can change our Attitudes (the A in L.E.A.N.)?

From an article by Dr. Sears: "Exercise is not only good for the body, it’s great for the brain. The brain is an oxygen hog, which is why it takes 25 percent of the blood that the heart pumps (more in children). Exercise delivers more oxygen to the brain and helps all tissue, especially brain tissue, use oxygen more efficiently, which translates into better thinking. Pumping more blood to the brain stimulates the release of a group of neurochemicals, collectively called brain growth factors, which increase the production of neurotransmitters and make more receptor sites for these brain messengers to land on. Exercise is not only nature’s smart drug, it’s also nature’s Prozac. By stimulating the release of endorphins, exercise beefs up the body’s own “feel good” hormones. Endorphins are most stimulated by exercise and laughter. And the good-feeling effects of these hormones last about as long as a pill, four to six hours after exercise, and without the unpleasant medical side effects. Therapists have long prescribed exercise to pull people out of the pits of depression. So, exercise not only burns fat, it burns stress, too."

I know the thoughts of exercise during a stressful time in your life seems like the worst possible idea. You'd likely rather just sit on the couch and watch a show or grab some treats to pick yourself up. My challenge to you is this, rather than doing the same old habit, get up and go for a speed walk. Get your heart rate up! This doesn't need to be complicated and it doesn't need to take hours in a gym. Just get outside and breathe. When you return your body will feel more relaxed, your mind less cluttered and your mood calmer.

Photo credit: http://bestwalkingfeet.com/

Homeschooling & ADHD

The Value of Play... For Adults.

Parents of teens UNITE! We Need Our Own Mastermind Group!

Discomfort is more than a feeling, it's a sign of change...

What have you forgotten?

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. ~ Maya Angelou

To the over worked adult... give yourself permission to STOP and read this.

Can you contribute to your life in all it's forms when you are sick and exhausted?

Give yourself the GIFT of movement to ensure you can manage the obligations of your daily life. Movement is a stress reliever and can be as good as many antidepressants available on the market today!

Lousy Nutrition = Lousy Performance

A World Full of Stress - Let's Get Moving!

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